Plenty of Weirdos

So, as I mentioned in my last post, I was feeling a bit glum on Sunday, and Tinder wasn't really throwing out much hope, so following on from a conversation with some friends on Friday, I decided to try out Plenty Of Fish.

Oh. My. God. What a pile of weirdos!

The POF format is different from Tinder, more like a traditional dating platform where you fill in loads of questions and the algorithm matches you with alleged like-minded people. You can message anyone, regardless of whether or not they 'like' you, and there's a feature called 'meet me', but I can't access that because it's subscription-only. Within 24 hours of logging on to the site, I had attracted more than 100 'so-and-so wants to meet you' messages!

While I was browsing, I came across a couple of familiar faces, including Deva Don! I shot him a message on WhatsApp:

Me: I’ve just spotted you on POF! Don’t worry, I won’t say anything!

Him:  I set it up at the same time [as Tinder] and haven’t paid it much attention. I’ve been as sick as a dog all week with that Aussie flu. It’s horrible. Anyway, I’m kidding myself that I’ve got the time for dating.

Me: Aww, I’m sorry to hear about the flu. Take care of yourself. Rest, lots of fluids, and paracetamol is the key, I gather. Dating can wait.

Him:  Flu or not, I think I’m resigned to life as a singleton for a while.

Me: No reason not to talk to people though. You’re sounding as misanthropic as you were last weekend, and yet here we are, having a conversation!

Him: I know. I just don’t envisage time to myself for a while though

Me: That’s fine. Do you want me to leave you alone?

Him: Don’t be daft. Well, maybe for the next several hours because I’m in bed

Me: I’ll take that! I need to go to sleep too. Night night. Hope you get better soon.

I'm keeping this one on a slow burn...

Meanwhile, the messages are trickling in. I'm not sure how to deal with most of them as they are from guys who are in the right age range, and have big bikes, but all seem to be 5'6" tall and horribly overweight. Like I say, no filters on this site. Call me shallow, but I like a man who is taller than me, and preferably takes care of himself. I know they are out there, and are not unicorns. I've been spoiled by the Gentleman Caller...

Suddenly I get a message from a geezer calling himself Spiffyace666 (?) Nice face, cyclist, looks interesting. This is how the conversation ran, paraphrasing my answers for brevity:

Him: What drugs you on Ringo?

Me: I'm sorry, I don't understand the question.

Him: What do you normally do?

Me: You mean recreationally?

I tell him. He doesn't like it.

Him: Not surprised you get migraines smoking that shit.

Me: I'd rather be a pot-head than an alcoholic.

Him: I'd rather be neither. I hate junky druggie dope heads and smack heads.

Aaand with that, he leaves. Bye then. Now, most of my friends know I like a toke, but dope head? Moi? It's something I aspire to be, when I retire, but not right now. Next!

Alpharomeo159 is a tall skinny ageing hippy from Birmingham. He is very upfront about not looking for friends. He wants a partner, but not to move in. He still has school-age kids living with him, despite being 68. Now, if there is one thing I learned from the Gentleman Caller, it's never to underestimate a chap in his 60s. Mr Romeo sounds interesting, and cool, and wants to meet, but lives in Birmingham. I've done the long-distance thing, and if I'm going to do it again I'll try to stick with Druid John in Preston, thanks.

There is also Tomcat67, who sounds lovely, and chats away like nobody's business, is partially-sighted and lives in Ruthin with his grown-up sons and two cats. We exchange long messages, and he passes the LGBT+ test, as one of his sons is gay. I will cultivate this one, as he really does sound like a genuinely nice bloke. Might have to take it away from POF though, as the messaging interface is rubbish.

Another waif and stray I seem to have picked up is Artbiker, who is an artist, and a biker, from Swansea, who smashes straight through the LGBT+ test by also having a recently out transgender daughter! He mentioned it first, so I have no reason to doubt him. We take the conversation away from POF onto WhatsApp, and have been exchanging chatty messages, but I don't really see it going anywhere. See above about long-distance relationships.

Frankly, I'm getting bored now. I went out to lunch and the pictures with Ricardo yesterday, and it was soooo nice not to have to make small talk with a stranger. I'm going to swap numbers with Mr Tomcat, and deactivate my POF account. I don't like the interface, and I really don't like having to constantly field messages like this one from mervpugh1964, who is 5'3" and from Oswestry, and I quote verbatim:

'Hi like u r u up 4 chatting?'

Not unless you can type in whole words and sentences, sweetheart! I may have to add another test, the Text Speak Test, to the list. Oh boy...